The Hills compels me to write in all caps

I was just forced to watch a rerun of last night’s Hills episode because The Biggest Loser is TAKING OVER NETWORK TV. I’m not going to pretend I don’t like the show, but I’m definitely not one to (ahem) let a call from one of my best friends go to voicemail because it’s 9:05 on Monday night. I usually watch reruns (marathons if I’m lucky) during comatose weekend days because before two-hour monstrosities infiltrated primetime, there used to be better shows on during the week.

Anyway, the point is I haven’t seen every episode. Are they all as ridiculous as “I Want You To Be With Me”? Ooor… is it just a big, big mistake for me to watch this particular reality show when I’m not still drunk from the night before?

O. M. G. what is WRONG with Audrina?? She dumped a HOT Aussie who is totally into her for Justin Bobby or whatever the f that turd’s name is. And even worse, she can’t even be honest about why she did it—just admit that you like bad boys, Audrina! Just admit you like being treated like crap! This is not a new phenomenon. But no, she tells her co-worker that he “said all the right things” during a conversation that apparently convinced her that it will be different this time.

In case you are not drunk, I’ll save you from having to watch the episode and give you a sampling of what the little skull-capped goober said, or rather, mumbled:

• “I’ll pretty much always be there for you.”
• “90 percent of the time I’m with you is right on.”
• “When I think about you, I don’t think of anything negative.”

Uh… WHAT? This conversation is perhaps the best defense against the accusation that The Hills is scripted. On the bright side, at least I have an answer for Charlize Theron, who doesn’t understand why “this f-ing show is huge.” I think it’s because we like watching skinny, rich, unfairly lucky twits make bad decisions. They may have giant designer sunglasses and blindingly white teeth, but they act just as ridiculous as we do (if not more)—except their mistakes are broadcasted across cable and the Web for our entertainment.

Related sidenote: I’m now watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta for the second time tonight (“Bring On The Bling”), and I need to point out how disturbingly creepy the lovefest between Kim and Sheree is—I almost puked a little in my mouth during the spa scene. Blech—I need to go read a book... ooor proof this blog until it’s time for Chelsea Lately.