Two-piece solution to the bikini debate

Gwyneth Paltrow's kid bikinis have reignited a debate that has apparently been going on for years, according to my extensive (okay half-hour) Internet research, but I think a little vocabulary lesson should clear this right up.

According to Wikipedia, the word "bikini" was coined by its inventor, Louis Réard, who was competing with  a rival designer to create "the world's smallest swimsuit." He named it after Bikini Atoll, where testing on the atomic bomb took place, because he believed "the suit's revealing style would create a stir among people similar to America's atomic bombing of Japan the previous summer." (Um, weird... but it sure is still creating stirs!) The garment he created resembled women's underwear, and he could not find a model daring enough to wear his design, so he had to hire a nude dancer to model it.

And according to Merriam-Webster, a bikini is "a woman's scanty two-piece bathing suit." (I will ignore the second definition - a man's brief swimsuit - for the sake of my argument, and because America has agreed we're against those.) The definition of "scanty," FYI, is "limited or less than sufficient in degree, quantity, or extent."

So, what we've learned here is that by etymology and current definition, "bikini" denotes sexy, and "kid bikini" connotes creepiness.

What is okay, however, and where the debate gets muddled, is two piece swimsuits for girls. The difference? More coverage and less allusion to lingerie and cleavage. Following this logic, judgment of recent controversies becomes rather simple:

Apparently people were up in arms about this picture of Suri Cruise... there are plenty of creepy things about her parents, but dressing her in this two-piece is not one of them.

These swimsuits marketed by Elizabeth Hurley, however, are most definitely creepy. I even feel creepy posting them... and don't even get me started on the leopard print.

I actually don't mind Gwyneth's as much, but again, I just find the words "kid" and "bikini" being used together inappropriate, and there's something about the way the models are posed in the first picture that gives me the uneasies.

Which brings us to our worst offender: Jessica Simpson apparently Tweeted and shared on national television this photo of her daughter in a questionable swimsuit and obviously contrived pose. It's one thing to take a goofy picture of your kid in order to torture her with it later, perhaps in a wedding slide show, but it's quite another to share a questionable picture like this with the world, which is, unfortunately, full of sickos.

So there you have it. I'm sorry Gwyneth, but for the sake of ending this debate and curbing creepiness, "kid bikinis," no matter how relatively tame, need to go out of style. For good.


Photo credits:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/04/24/the-misplaced-outrage-over-gwyneth-paltrow-s-bikinis-for-little-girls.html
http://www.babble.com/celebrity/is-suri-cruise-too-young-to-be-wearing-a-bikini/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/17/elizabeth-hurleys-bikini-kids_n_1890428.html
http://www.goop.com/shop/melissa-odabash-exclusive-kids-new-york-bikini-set.html
http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-moms/news/lol-jessica-simpson-shares-baby-maxwells-first-bikini-pic-2012109

If Rossen Had Reported: Are Your Lululemons Revealing Too Much?

A warning about your yoga pants: A new study shows that your $100 Lululemons may not be buying you 100 percent coverage. 

That new study out Wednesday morning shows an alarming increase in the number of down dogs becoming obscene, nearly bare asses being revealed by shoddily made, yet insanely priced workout-wear.

You assume these yoga pants are going to keep your thongs from being indecently exposed. After all, you paid a good chunk of your husband’s hard-earned cash for those things. You may think: “Everyone says they’re so flattering! So how could they be making me look like such as asshole?” 

Even on the hottest yogis, it can be a frightening site. 

Sunshine Smith is president and CEO of the watchdog group Safe Yoga, and says these Lululemon pants may be part of a bigger problem. A new report just out shows a stunning 95 percent of yoga students are now clothed in head-to-toe Lululemon – that’s a 50 percent spike since the holiday season alone.

“It is definitely cause for concern,” Smith told us. “Today’s yoga students – and even some of the teachers – seem to be more concerned with their outer appearance than inner bliss.”

To test this theory, we observed a typical yoga class in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago, Ill. After the class filled up (and we mean full – there was barely a centimeter between each mat) we found that the number of Lululemon-clad students did, in fact, roughly match the ratio stated by Safe Yoga. In fact, 31 of the 40 students appeared to be wearing the exact same pants. 

Within five minutes, the class was instructed to sit back into their first child’s pose. And what we saw was horrifying. 

When we pointed out one woman’s exposed cheeks to her in the mirror, she was shocked. “Noone told me about this ‘bend-over test’ when I bought my Lululemons. I just tried them on in the store, saw that I looked totally cute, and bought them.” 

What you may not know is that there is no federal law indicating how sheer yoga pants can be. “Should there be more specific quality regulations?” we asked Smith of Safe Yoga.

“I think Lululemon in general should be outlawed,” Smith said.

But for millions of mid-to-upper class white women, that’s not an ideal solution. If they want to keep looking super skinny and cute in their yoga-wear, whether while actually practicing yoga or picking up a tub of organic baby spinach at Whole Foods, experts say they should employ the aforementioned “bend-over” or “squat” test before purchasing Lululemon pants, or wear longer yoga tops over them – adorable tanks are available at Lululemon for only $64. 

Have an idea for Rossen Reports? Contact us! 

Photo credit: www.today.com. P.S. Jeff Rossen I heart you.

5 things you should know before auditioning for the Bachelor

Thanks to the power of Tivo and the Bachelor double feature this week, I watched four hours of heartbreaks and breakdowns, sans commercial breaks (so... actually it was about 45 minutes) last night. So I'm feeling pretty qualified to consult prospective bachelorettes. Obviously this service is needed because, although many of these women openly talk about having watched the show, they appear to be blindsided by everything they encounter on their "journeys," even though the only thing  that has changed from season to season is the number of rose ceremonies survived by minorities.

So before you try to find love in a hopeless place, please take the following into account:

• You will be dating a guy who has a number of other girlfriends.
• You will be living in a house with said girlfriends.
• If you tattle on one of these girlfriends for being "two-faced" or "fake," you will go home shortly after that conversation.
• There is a 90 percent chance you will have to face your fear of heights and a 10 percent chance you will have to face your fear of sharks.
• You do not hate drama. Stop saying that! You would not even be considering putting your demented love life on blast if you didn't love drama.

Photo credit: http://www.eonline.com/news/381898/the-bachelor-sneak-peek-watch-tierra-threaten-to-leave-but-is-it-all-an-act

Business time

Do real-life women actually lounge around in men's dress shirts? And if so, is it actually sexy? I have to admit I've never tried it, but I do own a couple sets of flannel button-down pajamas, and my husband is not so much a fan of those.

On TV women are always sashaying out of the bedroom with smug looks on their faces, like they just KNOW how adorably sexy they look. This is the first red flag for me. It's been my personal experience that whenever I think I look adorably sexy, I actually look atrocious. This is why I now avoid bar bathroom mirrors at all costs.

My second issue is that business casual garb does not put me in a sexy mood. Quite the opposite, it puts me in a depressive mood, as it conjures up visions of TPS reports and lines of drones waiting to heat up smelly Lean Cuisines in the communal microwave. If pocket protectors and security badges aren't considered sexy, I don't understand why the shirts that hold them are.

Perhaps before this look became a cliche, it was sexy because it wasn't sexy. But at this point it somehow comes across as both lazy and trying too hard... If you're looking to switch it up, I suggest a birthday suit and business socks.

Gone with the wind and fabulously insane

The Real Housewives are at it again: Another talk-singing catastrophe was introduced on Watch What Happens Live last Sunday:



A small, tiny part of me kinda, sorta respects Kenya for trying to "own" this humiliating moment from a particularly painful episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta:



But when you fall on your face in the middle of a busy street, don't you "own" it by popping up and laughing it off? You don't keep tripping over yourself and pretending you're having an awesome time... and you don't make up a song about it, especially if you can't sing... right??

Either way, I'm horrified, yet entertained by Kenya's "Gone with the wind fabulous" single, which probably means she's a housewife that's here to stay.

The scratch 'n roll snore stopping marriage saver

Instead of counting sheep last night while my husband snored away, I counted the ways I've failed at trying to get him to stop.

1. Plugging his nose
   He woke up angrily and thought I was trying to kill him.
2. Shoving him and yelling, "Stop snoring!"
   He woke up angrily and thought I was abusing him.
3. Cooing softly, "You're snoring. Can you please turn over on your side?"
   He woke up with a huff and claimed he hadn't even been asleep. (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?)
4. Tossing and turning violently in an angry attempt to wake him up "accidentally"
   He continued to sleep/snore obliviously.
5. Wearing ear plugs
   He continued to snore, and I continued to hear it, although with the added irritation of uncomfortable pieces of foam in my ears.
6. Suggesting he participate in a sleep study
   No. 

Then I remembered Ross' hug 'n roll, and I decided to put a spin on it and give it a try. Under the guise of scratching my husband's back, I rolled him on his side, and he... sighed appreciatively! He stopped snoring, stayed sleeping, and I joined him... a few hours later. I guess I can't blame him for all my problems. 

More fun with office email: WFH edition

One of the (lowly) perks of my job is the option to work from home, and a good chunk of my colleagues work from home offices every day. Yet my co-workers in the Chicago office feel the need to justify why they're working from home every freaking time they take advantage of this benefit, which is usually multiple times a week, from multiple people. Because totally harmless, random things tend to irrationally infuriate me, I CANNOT STAND these possibly BS, totally unnecessary excuses. I'm no one's boss, or mother, and I don't care.

On principle I have refused to provide reasons when I notify them that I'm working from home. My personal business is no business of theirs; plus I prefer oversharing via social media or too many cocktails to Outlook email. But in an attempt to prolong the slow death by boredom I'm experiencing in Corporate America, I've decided to spice up my "WFH" messages. Here are a few I'm considering putting in rotation:

• I'm working from home today because the dog ate my homework.
• I'm working from home today because I have uncontrollable shits.
• I'm working from home today because the thought of making small talk in the office kitchen makes me want to stab myself in the eye. 
• I'm working from home today because I have a job interview. Wish me luck!
• I'm working in pajamas today, and I assume you'd prefer I do that from home.
• It's cold out, so I'm working from home.
• I had an emergency session with my therapist this morning, so I'm working from home for the rest of the day.
• I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, so I'm working from home. Case of the Mondays :(
• I'm going to see my lady doctor this afternoon, so I'm working from home. Yearly pap smear :)
• I have a gyno appointment tomorrow morning, so I'm going to work the rest of the day from home. Suspicious discharge :-/
• There's something seriously wrong with my vagina. I'll be working from home until further notice.
• I'm working from home today because there's a 12pm yoga class I want to go to. (Actually true on most Fridays)
• If you're reading this, then you already know. I'm working from home... BECAUSE I CAN. (Always true)