Feeling unsalty

Newsflash soupmakers: Soup needs salt. Stop torturing America with your low-sodium impostors. First Trader Joe’s discontinued its delicious tomato & roasted red pepper soup in favor of a low-sodium version. (Me: “Oh, pooper. Is the low-sodium one good?” Trader Joe’s employee: “Um, I guess – it just needs salt.”) But that’s to be expected from the fickle store, whose inventory is constantly playing with my emotions. Plus, I only really opted for tomato & roasted red pepper when I was feeling fancy.

But the betrayal I experienced today when I dipped a freshly grilled cheese sandwich into America’s beloved Campbell’s tomato soup is UNFORGIVABLE. I knew something tasted fishy, er, unsalty, upon my first slurp and initially assumed my boyfriend accidentally picked up some crap low-sodium version of my staple sandwich companion at the grocery store. I was just about to G-chat him to let him know he ruined my day lunch when I decided to check the label before making accusations. What I found was even more disturbing than having to fish it out of the kitchen garbage.

The front of the can looks the same, but here’s what it says on the back: “The famous taste… with less salt! The soup with the famous taste you know and love is healthy, because Campbell adds a naturally flavorful sea salt that helps us use less salt.” Ah yes, I remember seeing commercials about sea salt and thinking it sounded like a good idea. I was wrong.

The tomato soup I knew and loved has been dead since August, according to this press release. The recipe that has “remained largely unchanged” since it was introduced in 1897 will never taste like childhood again. So thanks, Campbell, for making me healthier – and depressed.

Photo courtesy of PR Newswire

Chirp Lit

I never really thought about my stance on variations of the word "said" until I stumbled across a (really old...) post on Nathan Bransford's blog - apparently it's something of a debate among real writers. The literary agent puts himself in "camp said," arguing that alternatives are actually more distracting than descriptive because "a reading brain doesn't really register the word 'said,' and readers only need to be reminded who's talking. It should be apparent from the dialogue and context whether someone is 'shouting' or 'whispering' or, yes, even 'enumerating,' and using 'said' keeps the reader's attention on the dialogue."

So thanks, Nathan, for alerting me to this subpar writing tactic. Now I can pinpoint what exactly irritates me about books like my latest questionable read: Celebutantes. I should have just stopped after reading the following on page one: "'Please, Paulie, just one of the four of us,' her blood red lips purr." Ick.

In addition to the use of various animal noises, Celebutantes may have even coined some new said alternatives, such as "trill" (used in conjunction with both humans and cell phones) and "sing-song."

Perhaps more distracting, however, were passages like this:

"We swerve past B.D. talking to Carolina and Reinaldo Herrera and Alfonso Cuaron by the mosaic tiled pool. As Carolina crouches down to admire B.D.'s beloved Jack Russell, I can't help but admire her electric blue croc mini-Kelly."

~My inner dialogue~


"What's going on here? Shoes, bags, celebrities? All of the above?" the reader exclaimed to herself, twirling her unstyled hair in befuddlement. "Am I that clueless?"

"There's nothing wrong with shopping at Target," the angel on her shoulder chirped. "It's like, responsible and stuff."

"But Forever 21? You're almost 27," hissed the devil on her other shoulder. "I'm a little embarrassed for you."

"Eh, who cares - just keep reading and get to the inevitable happy ending!" the reader concluded, with more enthusiasm than she'd like to admit.

Best Retailer Forever

It's more than a month away from my birthday, but my good friends Express, Ann Taylor LOFT and DSW have already sent me gifts! Now, like any prudent birthday girl should, I'm going to rank them.

While LOFT and Express sent me $15 coupons, DSW's was only for $5... lame. However, upon further inspection, it appears I can't use my Express or LOFT coupons unless it's with their respective credit cards. Lamer. As they probably know, I only opened those cards to get the discount and try to never use them because I tend to forget they exist, and even if I know I haven't charged them in years they give me late-fee anxiety, but I'm too lazy to close them. But they also know I love birthday cards and can't resist coupons. Damn them for knowing me so well!

So to be fair, I decided to break this relative tie based on looks. Which means I'll have to give the award of best birthday present and therefore favorite friend to Express, whose gift came in a snazzy envelope (the others were post cards), and the slick note inside is silver, and I like shiny things. Also, it says "Rock Your Birthday In Style!". I'm so glad my bestie is the coolest retailer on the block.

Fun with office post-its never stops

Came back from vacation to find this gem in the coffee area:



I was getting so sick of "island time" and being told to relax - thanks, passive aggressive co-worker! It's great to be home.

Put the wow in pow wow!

I'm not going to complain about the ridiculousness of women's Halloween costumes; it seems to be something everyone has accepted as a fact of Fall. My boyfriend's friend summed it up quite nicely yesterday at the end of a group rant about sexy firefighters and slutty panda bears. "But I fall for it every year," he said. And there you have it.

No, this post is not a rant. I'd simply like to share some stellar copywriting a co-worker pointed out to me on www.spirithalloweeen.com, the most entertaining e-commerce site I've come across, um, ever. Offensive on many levels (and you thought Chief Wahoo was inappropriate), it's like a pun-laden train wreck you can't look away from. I mean, Pocahottie? Brilliant, just brilliant.




"The work is done and it's time to play cowboys and Indians, only this time the Indian picks the cowboys she wants. Put the wow in pow wow and practice some native American rituals in this sexy Pocahottie costume. Is that an ear of corn in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"



"Time to get off the reservation and break away from the tribe in this sexy Dream Catcher costume. He'll want to take you right back to the teepee but you'll want to party and more, and why not? Put the wow in pow wow and go native in this unique costume that shows off your natural beauty."

Did I mention I can't look away?



Okay, this just got depressing...

Facebook working on public-service redesign?

According to a recent Mashable post, Facebook is testing "yet another" redesign, part of which is a downgrade of the status update box, where users can enthusiastically misspell breaking personal news like what they're microwaving for dinner.

"The screenshots clearly depict a user homepage where the Facebook Publisher, the status update box that currently resides at the top of your home page, is surprisingly absent. It’s where you can share text, photos, videos, URLs and the like on Facebook. But in a rather strange move, it appears as if the Publisher has been minimized and pushed to the side of a page, as a less intrusive button."

Screenie (Courtesy of Mashable via the Next Web):


In addition to being minimized, Facebook Publisher also appears to be morphed into a simple "update status" button, rather than the call-to-action teaser on the current homepage:


I wonder if Facebook is making an effort to discourage the plethora of inane posts such as "Owww! My nose hurtssssssss!" (featured above... inside joke, i hope?).

If so, I think Yammer should follow suit and stop sending me automated e-mails like this one:

Ideas for posting?? Stop encouraging the madness, Yammer!!!

And as for Twitter, I hope it follows suit and .... disappears.

Eavesdropping

While waiting for the elevator after work last night, I overheard a conversation:

Employee 1: "Are you heading to that happy hour?"

Employee 2: [sheepish] "No..."

Employee 1: [mocking] "Oh I see - you're just leaving work early then?"

Employee 2: [sheepish and defensive] "Well, my roommate's having this dinner party thing for his girlfriend's birthday, and I kinda have to go..."

Employee 1: "A party on a Thursday!? That's kinda weird... Where's it at?"

I found this exchange obnoxious for a number of reasons:

1. It was FIVE FORTY FIVE. How is that considered an early time to leave work? Nerds.
2. Even if it was "early," a benefit of working at my company is FLEXIBLE schedules, yet people still insist on laying on guilt trips when you come in "late" or leave "early," or work from home, or take a freaking lunch break. Mofos.
3. It's called Thirsty Thursday for a reason... Weirdo.
4. Why wasn't I invited invited to this happy hour? I'm a lot of fun, dammit.