Summer trends that are already annoying me

Jumpsuits

My favorite outfit in gradeschool was a blue and white striped romper -- until one recess when a helpful classmate informed me that I "looked like a baby." If I had to stop wearing these onesies in the fifth grade, why are they now being marketed in the same bucket as dresses to grown women??

Shorts

Although I've barely been out of the Midwest, I hear Americans are mocked all over the world for wearing these unflattering atrocities. People, there are enough reasons to hate us without throwing our sausage legs into the mix. (OK for the model above, maybe. For normal people, not.)

Little White Dress

Rationalizing with the bajillion weddings I'm going to this summer, I decided I need a new dress. But these ADORABLE cocktail dresses are turning my favorite pastime into torture. Do retailers WANT me to look like a crazy lady competing with the bride? I guarantee my drinking and dancing will draw enough questionable attention. I don't need help looking ridiculous.

Photos: Jumpsuit and shorts - EXPRESS; little white dress - AKIRA Chicago

Oversharers Anonymous

I had never heard of "social shopping" until I read this New York Times blog, but apparently it's popular enough to be a competitive space. The site Blippy launched last fall, and Swipely recently joined the scene. Both sites are linked to users' credit cards for the purpose of publishing their purchases and allowing others to comment on them.

While I do get annoyed when certain family members rant about the ridiculousness of Facebook, I think this is where I draw the line. Why would anyone think this is a good idea? I live in constant fear of running into someone I know at CVS. Publicly share the contents of my doubled plastic bags alongside a thumbnail picture of myself? No thanks.


Oh yeah and the security issues... those are troubling as well.

License to birth

I think a lot of people agree there should be some sort of licensing involved with having children. Like driving a car, it should probably involve a minimum age, some education and a test.

May I suggest, after finding out 2009's most popular baby names, that this be the first question on the written test: Do you plan to name your child after a Twilight character? If the answer is yes, you are automatically disqualified and not required to move on to the supervised diapering and burping portion of the examination. (You're supposed to become a fan of children's books after giving birth, not before.)

Then again, my doctor friend had a patient who wanted to name her newborn Chlamydia, because she thought it sounded pretty... when she was told she HAD IT. I suppose we have bigger things to worry about than the befuddling success of a poorly written YA series, in terms of the progression of humanity.

Dirty, dirty mouth

I feel bad enough paying a stranger to clean my apartment, so even though I can't help worrying about what she might be doing in there, I try to push it to the back of my middle class guilt-ridden mind. This strategy was working pretty well for me - until last night.

While I'm sure there are endless opportunities for contamination, for some reason I fixate on my toothbrush. I can barely manage to wash my face without knocking one to three items into the sink/floor/toilet, so I can't imagine how our cleaning woman could manage to de-filth our teeny tiny bathroom without ever bumping a toothbrush or two off the sink into something disturbing.

So I usually hide my toothbrush in its traveling case thingy or start using a new one after the apartment is cleaned... usually, but not always. Because I am that lazy. But before the cleaning woman came yesterday morning I noticed my boyfriend's toothbrush in the bathroom garbage and decided to toss mine too, after asking him if we had replacements.

Then something odd happened. When I went to brush my teeth last night, the brushes were back. Hm, I thought. Maybe the replacements were the same colors, and my boyfriend kindly put mine in the holder for me (so romantic!). So I texted him asking him which was mine, to which he replied "either one." I thought this was strange... I figured he replaced them because he brushed his teeth before he went out. (This is where I become irrationally germaphobic for someone who can't even be bothered to clean her own apartment.)

So when I picked up one of the brushes I couldn't help sniffing it... and it smelled like stale toothpaste! Upon further inspection, I noticed some toothpaste residue as well as slight wear and tear. GASP! I dropped the toothbrush and texted my boyfriend again (he loves that), asking if he was SURE the toothbrushes were new because they didn't seem new... He texted back saying they were UNDER THE SINK. Ewwwwwwww.

I almost used a utensil to clean my mouth that had been SITTING IN BATHROOM WASTE. A vivid picture came to me of the cleaning woman finishing up the bathroom and suddenly noticing the empty holder, then the two toothbrushes in the garbage. Did she assume she knocked them into it and simply put them back where she thought they belonged? Or was it some kind of sick joke?? How many times has this happened before???

You'd think this would be enough reason for me to start cleaning the apartment myself, but that thought actually upsets me more than the dirty toothbrush.