Monday, June 15, 2009

CSL Cheat Sheet: Conquering Corporate America, One Transitive Verb at a Time

Being a CSL (Corporate as a Second Language) student is tricky because unlike learning a whole new language, becoming fluent in corporate speak requires one to re-learn a lot of known words that are used between cubicle walls in new and innovative ways. Nevertheless, as the progression of one's career is directly related to the speed with which she can saturate her vocabulary with these sophisticated words and phrases, it’s of the utmost importance to remain diligent. To that end, I’ve compiled explanations of some words that have perplexed me on the CSL learning curve.

Traditional definition (noun): a range within a band of wavelengths, frequencies or energies.
Corporate definition (noun): ability to complete a task, based on actual or fabricated schedule allowance. Use: Unfortunately, I don’t have the bandwidth to do your work for you today.

Traditional definition (noun): veterinarian, i.e. a person qualified and authorized to practice veterinary medicine.
Corporate definition (transitive verb): to evaluate for possible approval or acceptance. Note: I first noticed repeated use of this word during the 2008 election season; then it started popping up on conference calls. Key takeaway: When looking for new words to impress, start with the Obama Administration.

Traditional definition (noun): fun project your mom planned for birthday parties.
Corporate definition (transitive verb): to make or produce with care, skill or ingenuity. Note: This is a handy euphemism for “write” or “copy and paste.”

Carve (transitive verb)
Traditional use: I have to carve the turkey.
Corporate use: Let me know if you lack the bandwidth to craft these communications, for then I shall have to carve out some time to vet other possible resources. Note: Resources = humans that are not as important as you, i.e. CSL beginners.


The Singlutionary said...

thank you for translating! I feel so much more effective now!

LuLu and Moxley's Mom said...

Love your blog! Am going to read more right now....

JD at I Do Things said...

Heh. I'll have to remember that bandwidth excuse.

Special K said...

My bandwidth requires more sophistication in order to advance to a third date with you, I am sorry.

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