Every woman's fantasy?

On last night's Bachelor, Shawntel gets to live out what viewers are made to believe is every woman's fantasy - the Pretty Woman shopping scene. Brad kicks off their one-on-one date by taking Sahwntel on a shopping spree at a high-end Las Vegas mall (no doubt funded by ABC).

When she gets back to the suite she's sharing with the rest of Brad's harem, Shawntel shows off her designer gifts and changes into an obscenely overpriced dress while the other girls' jealousy flares. Suddenly their self-professed dreams go from living out a fairy tale, achieving their very own "happily ever after" by snagging their very own "Prince Charming," to living out the Julia Roberts classic Pretty Woman.

Um... is everyone forgetting that Julia Roberts played a PROSTITUTE? Richard Gere's character is a wealthy businessman who picks her up in the obligatory pleather hooker boots and an equally horrendous mini skirt-half top combo and decides to PAY HER to extend her stay for a week and accompany him to fancy pants social obligations. He ends up taking her on a shopping spree after she tries to use his money to purchase appropriate clothing on her own and is snubbed by snobby saleswomen who (correctly) assume she is a PROSTITUTE.


Now, don't get me wrong - I love watching the Pretty Woman shopping scene, especially when Julia Roberts goes back to the store she was shamed out of, gigantic shopping bags in tow: "You work on commission right? Big mistake. Big. Huge... I have to go shopping now!"



If I were ever a prostitute, I would hope to be the spunky Vivian Ward type. But do I dream of living out Pretty Woman? Of exchanging sex for money and clothes? Of having to fight off the creepy advances of George Costanza? Um, no thanks. And I sincerely hope I'm not in the minority on that sentiment.

Photos courtesy of abc.go.com and Wikipedia.

Another reason you should hate MTV's Skins

MTV's new show Skins has lost a third sponsor and may be in violation of child pornography laws. As we learned from Jersey Shore, controversy often does more good than harm for generating buzz and viewership - lost advertising revenue aside, I predict the show will, regrettably, be a hit.

What producers can't applaud themselves for, however, is authenticity. Maybe it's because I grew up in the Midwest... but I'm completely befuddled by reviews like this Newsweek article that claim Skins "may be the most realistic show on television." Despite, or perhaps due to the fact that producer Bryan Elsley created the show with his 19-year-old son and employs teenage consultants and actors, I think it comes across as more teenage fantasy than reality. (Disclaimer: I couldn't sit through the whole thing, which says a lot, considering my usual zeal for trashy television.)

Consider, for example, the cheerleading scene... Apparently at Skins' high school, the cheerleaders wear bras for tops and end routines by groping the flier - who happens to be a lipstick lesbian.



The most realistic thing in the scene is the mascot perched upon each perky breast, which looks A LOT like the pride of UW-Madison - Bucky Badger.



If someone at MTV isn't locked up for child pornography, can they at least be prosecuted for defiling our beloved mascot? "The coolest school in America" should not be associated with this silly little show.

LAST CHANCE! (this week.)

I've noticed an annoying trend in my in-box: retailers that cry wolf. Although every subject line frantically warns me that it's my "LAST CHANCE" to get a discount, by some seeming miracle, the next day or week I usually get a similar offer. Once a sucker for any hint of free shipping, I have lost the sense of urgency that used to keep me online shopping at all hours of the day. Now I'm just running on boredom... which usually leads to more browsing than purchasing.

As somewhat of an e-mail marketer myself, I understand that through testing, you usually find that the dumbest subject lines, unfortunately, perform the best. But when it gets to the point where every sender is making the same empty threats, I have to imagine they lose their effectiveness.

I suggest companies stick to the tried and true "list" message: Top 10 Trends of the Season? Top 5 Shoe Repair Boutiques in Chicago? I don't care what is being ranked. I must find out who is no. 1. And if a freebie is thrown into the mix, even better. "Win the Top 10 Books of 2010"? ... yes, please.

Cheer to the CTA

Although I didn't resolve to stop complaining this year (I refuse to deprive myself of my favorite pastime), I still think it would be nice to start 2011 off with an uncharacteristic rave about one of my favorite things to rant about: the CTA.

Waiting for the train at the Quincy/Wells station yesterday, I witnessed something in the flesh that I thought only existed in the delusions of CEOs and fabrications of press releases: customer service. I have seen customer service "emergency" buttons, but after mistaking them more than twice for heater and elevator buttons, I've concluded that they're just there for decoration. I've also seen customer service windows, but they're usually in front of empty chairs and covered with signs that say things like, "NO CHANGE PROVIDED."

I could go on ... but this post is positive. Yesterday I saw with my own eyes what I believe to have been a customer service representative... or at least a CTA employee providing a service to customers!

In an attempt to escape for a few minutes the misery to which we've condemned ourselves for 3 to 4 months by signing a lease or purchasing property in Chicago, commuters such as myself tend to wait for their train inside rather than freeze to near death on the platform. This can be quite a risk at stations that service multiple lines, however. Someone with her head in a very interesting book about Elizabeth the First that reveals just how laughable the nickname "Virgin Queen" was, for example, might not notice her train approaching and miss her chance to get through the door first and snag a seat - or miss her train entirely.

But yesterday this fine gentleman bearing a CTA badge took it upon himself to call out the trains as they were approaching. So I want to say thank you, CTA, for hiring and keeping an employee gruntled enough to add a bit of cheer to my commute - and New Year.

Dear UPS, I don't have a housewife

I've come to the conclusion that UPS has not updated its business model or customer service strategy since the 1950s. Despite my extensive experience with online shopping, I still cannot figure out when and how some items are simply dropped off inside the security door of my apartment building (by USPS?), while others require someone to be home to buzz in a UPS driver.

As a result, sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised to find an Amazon box full of books, for example, conveniently placed below my mailbox. But after other online splurges, I'm plagued by UPS slips stuck to my door, infuriating conversations with customer service and sadistic delivery windows.

Although the missed delivery slip from a UPS driver gives you a reasonable idea of when they will be back the next day, between 10 a.m. and 12:30 p.m., for example, if the driver forgets to leave a slip, which has happened twice this month, the customer service representative gives you a window of 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. What kind of a window is that?? And why does the driver know but customer service does not? I would think a simple computer system could solve this mystery.

And if you know you won't be home for the delivery and call UPS to let them know, you have to pay $6 to have them deliver to a different address or at a later date. I know it's only $6, but this also pisses me off. Especially when the package is a gift to you from someone else. I don't think my mom meant to have me pay a fee to get my birthday present.

What really irritates me though is that I have the benefit of quite a bit of flexibility for an office worker. I can usually work from home when I need to, so it should be easy for me to get packages. If the UPS driver could manage to remember to stick the missed delivery slip to my door, I should be able to arrange to be home by the third delivery. Yet 80 percent of deliveries turn into utter nightmares.

During one heated phone call to the terminally unhelpful customer service number, I was told in an exasperated tone that "all I needed to do" was make sure "someone" was home between 9 a.m. and 7 p.m. Who do they expect to be home all day? Unfortunately I'm not a housewife, and I'm not married to a housewife. Perhaps UPS is not aware of the fact that most households of this century are made up of two people (or one) who are working or commuting during those hours.

Market research... computer systems... customer service that actually provides a service - these are things most businesses today have gotten the hang of. Might do UPS - and its customers - some good to get on board.

Bridalplasty... too distrurbed to think of a clever title

E! (and I) have sunk to a new low: Bridalplasty. The new show, which I watched two (partial!) episodes of last weekend, hits the reality TV trifecta: extreme makeover, dream wedding and elimination voting.

Brides-to-be with lengthy plastic surgery wish lists (and body dysmorphic disorder) compete for the "perfect wedding," which apparently requires a new face and body. According to Eonline bios, contestants are hoping to win up to 15 surgical procedures, including some I never knew existed.

"Liposuction of flanks" is a popular one - according to this website, flanks are "located just under the bra line on the sides and back." I thought it was a kind of steak. Another body part that apparently needs the fat sucked out of it is the knee. Cheyanne here even specifies she would like "inner knee" lipo - I'm sure it was very painful for her, getting teased about her inner knees in grade school.


That's a picture of her before any surgery, by the way...

Has our cultural sanity plummeted that much in less than a year? Weren't we all horrified when Heidi Montag revealed she had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day? I guess E! was more inspired than disturbed... to define "perfection" as this:


Photo sources:
http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/bridalplasty/cast_bios.html
http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/03/09/heidi-montag-spoofs-plastic-surgery-in-funny-or-die-video/

Holiday Indulgence

My Pandora station was just interrupted by an audio ad for Cold Stone ice cream cakes. It said something like, "While you're enjoying holiday music, you might like to know Cold Stone is also celebrating the season."

Mmmm ice cream cake... yes, I would like to learn more! I clicked on the display ad on Pandora, which took me to a generic landing page describing all of Cold Stone's signature cakes.
The campaign could have been better if it had pointed to a more festive page describing holiday cakes, but I'm still impressed. And anyway customized landing pages .... sound like a lot of work.

Holiday station listeners are an excellent target. Those of us who can't wait for after Thanksgiving to start listening to Christmas music probably also lack self control when it comes to ice cream and chocolate. And no shame in admitting they've created not one, but two holiday stations, one of which is based on Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" - even better.