Lululemon pant problems chalked up to (fat) user error

Earlier this week on Bloomberg TV, Lululemon co-founder Chip Wilson seemed oblivious to the foot in his mouth when he said yoga pants "don't work for some women's bodies." He later clarified that "it's really about the rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure is there over a period of time and how much they use it." Well, that sounds like not every woman can wear your pants, Chip. "No, I think they can. I just think it's how you use it."


Meaning... if you use yoga pants on your chubby, muscular or borderline average thighs, you might distress the fabric to the point of malfunction. If you face the fact that you should be purchasing two sizes above what you normally do, and wear the pants on, say, your arms, however, they work just fine! Or if you're one of the emaciated models posing for the "thinspiration" pins haunting the dreams of half the population of suburban junior highs chools, you're good to go!

It's no surprise a lot of women were outraged by Wilson's comments and have pledged to boycott the brand. But a lot of Interwebs commenters are coming to Wilson's defense for being the first person to say what everyone else is thinking - spandex isn't for everyone. First of all, I believe Kimmy Gibbler was the first person to say that. And second, whether he likes it or not (and judging from later in the interview when Chip talks about how wealthy he is, he does), a large part of Lululemon's success is due to its reputation for producing slimming yoga pants. And you know who buys slimming clothes? Well, all women, probably, but especially women who might indulge in a french fry on special occasions. Personally, I think Nike's are more flattering, but most of my friends swear by their Lulus and claim their butts don't look as good in anything else. Even Hoda Kotbe can't help herself from shrugging her shoulders after every negative story about Lululemon and talking about how much she loves her yoga pants and how thin they make you look.

While "Sure they're insanely expensive, but they make you look skinny!" might not be Lululemon's official tagline, that, along with "Let people know you work out, and you're rich!" are the incentives behind 90 percent of Lululemon purchases, according to me. So I think Chip should either stop participating in the mass production of spandex clothes, if he doesn't think the mass of human women can pull them off, or embrace his costumer base by reinforcing the confidence his magical pants have given them, instead of alienating them and contributing to the dangerously unrealistic "thigh gap" obsession with his bizarre comments.

Maybe because I do happen to love Lulu tank tops, I want to believe Wilson isn't a misogynist - he's just kind of a weirdo... and he needs to find a CEO to look into quality control issues (because he's too busy enjoying his wealth to do it himself)... and maybe a PR director who knows something about media training.

Fashion that makes me feel old and confused.

I've never really understood fashion, but this summer has been particularly befuddling to me. It seems that anything goes as long as it's an unflattering throwback to an era anyone over the age of 22 wants to forget.  

I don't even think celebrities look good in jean shorts.

Or mannequins.

So why the average McDonalds-guzzling American thinks they can pull them off I'll never understand.

Along with high-wasted jean shorts/underpants, crop tops have been dusted off.

And when it cools down at night, or to give your camel toe a break, those crop tops can also be paired with palazzo pants!

Don't forget your silly headband.

And you're all set to take totally cute selfies at Lollapalooza!

Two-piece solution to the bikini debate

Gwyneth Paltrow's kid bikinis have reignited a debate that has apparently been going on for years, according to my extensive (okay half-hour) Internet research, but I think a little vocabulary lesson should clear this right up.

According to Wikipedia, the word "bikini" was coined by its inventor, Louis Réard, who was competing with  a rival designer to create "the world's smallest swimsuit." He named it after Bikini Atoll, where testing on the atomic bomb took place, because he believed "the suit's revealing style would create a stir among people similar to America's atomic bombing of Japan the previous summer." (Um, weird... but it sure is still creating stirs!) The garment he created resembled women's underwear, and he could not find a model daring enough to wear his design, so he had to hire a nude dancer to model it.

And according to Merriam-Webster, a bikini is "a woman's scanty two-piece bathing suit." (I will ignore the second definition - a man's brief swimsuit - for the sake of my argument, and because America has agreed we're against those.) The definition of "scanty," FYI, is "limited or less than sufficient in degree, quantity, or extent."

So, what we've learned here is that by etymology and current definition, "bikini" denotes sexy, and "kid bikini" connotes creepiness.

What is okay, however, and where the debate gets muddled, is two piece swimsuits for girls. The difference? More coverage and less allusion to lingerie and cleavage. Following this logic, judgment of recent controversies becomes rather simple:

Apparently people were up in arms about this picture of Suri Cruise... there are plenty of creepy things about her parents, but dressing her in this two-piece is not one of them.

These swimsuits marketed by Elizabeth Hurley, however, are most definitely creepy. I even feel creepy posting them... and don't even get me started on the leopard print.

I actually don't mind Gwyneth's as much, but again, I just find the words "kid" and "bikini" being used together inappropriate, and there's something about the way the models are posed in the first picture that gives me the uneasies.

Which brings us to our worst offender: Jessica Simpson apparently Tweeted and shared on national television this photo of her daughter in a questionable swimsuit and obviously contrived pose. It's one thing to take a goofy picture of your kid in order to torture her with it later, perhaps in a wedding slide show, but it's quite another to share a questionable picture like this with the world, which is, unfortunately, full of sickos.

So there you have it. I'm sorry Gwyneth, but for the sake of ending this debate and curbing creepiness, "kid bikinis," no matter how relatively tame, need to go out of style. For good.


Photo credits:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/04/24/the-misplaced-outrage-over-gwyneth-paltrow-s-bikinis-for-little-girls.html
http://www.babble.com/celebrity/is-suri-cruise-too-young-to-be-wearing-a-bikini/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/17/elizabeth-hurleys-bikini-kids_n_1890428.html
http://www.goop.com/shop/melissa-odabash-exclusive-kids-new-york-bikini-set.html
http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-moms/news/lol-jessica-simpson-shares-baby-maxwells-first-bikini-pic-2012109

If Rossen Had Reported: Are Your Lululemons Revealing Too Much?

A warning about your yoga pants: A new study shows that your $100 Lululemons may not be buying you 100 percent coverage. 

That new study out Wednesday morning shows an alarming increase in the number of down dogs becoming obscene, nearly bare asses being revealed by shoddily made, yet insanely priced workout-wear.

You assume these yoga pants are going to keep your thongs from being indecently exposed. After all, you paid a good chunk of your husband’s hard-earned cash for those things. You may think: “Everyone says they’re so flattering! So how could they be making me look like such as asshole?” 

Even on the hottest yogis, it can be a frightening site. 

Sunshine Smith is president and CEO of the watchdog group Safe Yoga, and says these Lululemon pants may be part of a bigger problem. A new report just out shows a stunning 95 percent of yoga students are now clothed in head-to-toe Lululemon – that’s a 50 percent spike since the holiday season alone.

“It is definitely cause for concern,” Smith told us. “Today’s yoga students – and even some of the teachers – seem to be more concerned with their outer appearance than inner bliss.”

To test this theory, we observed a typical yoga class in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago, Ill. After the class filled up (and we mean full – there was barely a centimeter between each mat) we found that the number of Lululemon-clad students did, in fact, roughly match the ratio stated by Safe Yoga. In fact, 31 of the 40 students appeared to be wearing the exact same pants. 

Within five minutes, the class was instructed to sit back into their first child’s pose. And what we saw was horrifying. 

When we pointed out one woman’s exposed cheeks to her in the mirror, she was shocked. “Noone told me about this ‘bend-over test’ when I bought my Lululemons. I just tried them on in the store, saw that I looked totally cute, and bought them.” 

What you may not know is that there is no federal law indicating how sheer yoga pants can be. “Should there be more specific quality regulations?” we asked Smith of Safe Yoga.

“I think Lululemon in general should be outlawed,” Smith said.

But for millions of mid-to-upper class white women, that’s not an ideal solution. If they want to keep looking super skinny and cute in their yoga-wear, whether while actually practicing yoga or picking up a tub of organic baby spinach at Whole Foods, experts say they should employ the aforementioned “bend-over” or “squat” test before purchasing Lululemon pants, or wear longer yoga tops over them – adorable tanks are available at Lululemon for only $64. 

Have an idea for Rossen Reports? Contact us! 

Photo credit: www.today.com. P.S. Jeff Rossen I heart you.

Business time

Do real-life women actually lounge around in men's dress shirts? And if so, is it actually sexy? I have to admit I've never tried it, but I do own a couple sets of flannel button-down pajamas, and my husband is not so much a fan of those.

On TV women are always sashaying out of the bedroom with smug looks on their faces, like they just KNOW how adorably sexy they look. This is the first red flag for me. It's been my personal experience that whenever I think I look adorably sexy, I actually look atrocious. This is why I now avoid bar bathroom mirrors at all costs.

My second issue is that business casual garb does not put me in a sexy mood. Quite the opposite, it puts me in a depressive mood, as it conjures up visions of TPS reports and lines of drones waiting to heat up smelly Lean Cuisines in the communal microwave. If pocket protectors and security badges aren't considered sexy, I don't understand why the shirts that hold them are.

Perhaps before this look became a cliche, it was sexy because it wasn't sexy. But at this point it somehow comes across as both lazy and trying too hard... If you're looking to switch it up, I suggest a birthday suit and business socks.

Summer trends that are already annoying me

Jumpsuits

My favorite outfit in gradeschool was a blue and white striped romper -- until one recess when a helpful classmate informed me that I "looked like a baby." If I had to stop wearing these onesies in the fifth grade, why are they now being marketed in the same bucket as dresses to grown women??

Shorts

Although I've barely been out of the Midwest, I hear Americans are mocked all over the world for wearing these unflattering atrocities. People, there are enough reasons to hate us without throwing our sausage legs into the mix. (OK for the model above, maybe. For normal people, not.)

Little White Dress

Rationalizing with the bajillion weddings I'm going to this summer, I decided I need a new dress. But these ADORABLE cocktail dresses are turning my favorite pastime into torture. Do retailers WANT me to look like a crazy lady competing with the bride? I guarantee my drinking and dancing will draw enough questionable attention. I don't need help looking ridiculous.

Photos: Jumpsuit and shorts - EXPRESS; little white dress - AKIRA Chicago

Head-to-toe denim? Eep.

First I noticed GAP's attempt to promote the dreaded denim suit (AKA Canadian Tuxedo) in a multi-page advertisement in Vanity Fair. Its "Fit Together" campaign claims "America's best fitting premium jeans have now met their match." Yes, these outfits match - in the way a brother and sister might match - but should certainly never hook up.



Then I got an e-mail from EXPRESS displaying this image:



What's next - mullets?? Is this an epidemic or only embraced by retail chains that overuse capital letters? I'm thoroughly disturbed, but like most hideous trends, I will probably give in right before it goes out of style.

Return of the puffy coat

Remember when Holly Hunter was horrified to have to wear her mother's "hideously out-of-date coat" after she lost her "fashionable" one on her way Home for the Holidays?

Flash forward almost 15 years and I'm actually contemplating purchasing one of these puffers. When my boyfriend asked me last winter why so many girls were walking around in sleeping bags, I resisted the urge to make fun of the North Face brigade - for two very important reasons. Number one: They looked warm; and number two: They looked trendy.

I had a sinking feeling ... like tiny armpit purses ... and then giant backbreaking purses, I would probably cave to the swell of this trend like I do every other - when they become normalized, i.e. reasonably priced, i.e. not really that cool anymore. But then again, maybe if I'm willing to look a little clueless, or manage to pull off "retro," I could save some money AND be a trendsetter every decade or so.

(Quotes and photo courtesy of Cinematical.com.)

Fashion Victim

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Lately the news has been warning us that "Skinny Jeans May be Dangerous to Your Health." According to this nbcchicago.com article, a condition called meralgia paresthetica, or "tingling thigh syndrome" can occur "when constant pressure...cuts off the lateral femoral cutaneous nerve, causing a numb, tingling or burning sensation along the thigh."

The article quotes a woman who noticed the odd sensation "when she wore a pair of super-tight skinny jeans to dinner with friends." And when she walked around, "She felt like she was almost 'floating,' because she couldn't feel her legs."

So... that's weird and all, but I think this woman's bigger problem, unless she's a runway model, is that she probably looked ridiculous. Isn't the real danger of these so-called skinny jeans that they actually make everyone look fat and awful?? Bring on the meralgia! Anything that will make this trend go away!

And according to the article, "tingling thigh syndrome" is exacerbated by high heels, the very accessory that can help these heinously unflattering jeans look halfway decent on a lucky few. (A chiropractic physician quoted in the article says, "The teetering shoes tilt the pelvis forward, increasing the pressure on the nerve.")

So what's the fashion-chasing, burger-eating Midwesterner to do? Step into a pair of dreaded ballet flats after pouring herself into her trendy jeans?

Please, can we stop the madness? Not to avoid the health risks, but to avoid the humiliation! Let's just stick with what we know best: relaxed fits, sweats, grease stains.