5 things you should know before auditioning for the Bachelor

Thanks to the power of Tivo and the Bachelor double feature this week, I watched four hours of heartbreaks and breakdowns, sans commercial breaks (so... actually it was about 45 minutes) last night. So I'm feeling pretty qualified to consult prospective bachelorettes. Obviously this service is needed because, although many of these women openly talk about having watched the show, they appear to be blindsided by everything they encounter on their "journeys," even though the only thing  that has changed from season to season is the number of rose ceremonies survived by minorities.

So before you try to find love in a hopeless place, please take the following into account:

• You will be dating a guy who has a number of other girlfriends.
• You will be living in a house with said girlfriends.
• If you tattle on one of these girlfriends for being "two-faced" or "fake," you will go home shortly after that conversation.
• There is a 90 percent chance you will have to face your fear of heights and a 10 percent chance you will have to face your fear of sharks.
• You do not hate drama. Stop saying that! You would not even be considering putting your demented love life on blast if you didn't love drama.

Photo credit: http://www.eonline.com/news/381898/the-bachelor-sneak-peek-watch-tierra-threaten-to-leave-but-is-it-all-an-act

Gone with the wind and fabulously insane

The Real Housewives are at it again: Another talk-singing catastrophe was introduced on Watch What Happens Live last Sunday:



A small, tiny part of me kinda, sorta respects Kenya for trying to "own" this humiliating moment from a particularly painful episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta:



But when you fall on your face in the middle of a busy street, don't you "own" it by popping up and laughing it off? You don't keep tripping over yourself and pretending you're having an awesome time... and you don't make up a song about it, especially if you can't sing... right??

Either way, I'm horrified, yet entertained by Kenya's "Gone with the wind fabulous" single, which probably means she's a housewife that's here to stay.

Bachelor blues

I spent last night yelling at the TV more than usual. Either my taste level is rising (unlikely) or The Bachelor is sinking even further into the filth. And this goes beyond the fact that Ben is a dufus and Courtney is evil. Confusion over the allure of the bachelor and irrational hatred for one or more of the contestants are givens. These irritations are really testing my devotion to ABC's reality:

• Courtney never stops touching her hair, and her weird mouth, and everything she says is ridiculous and cliched and annoying. Lindzi (is that seriously how she spells her name??) always leans her head forward when she talks, like everything she says is a secret, or someone told her that's a flattering camera angle. Poor Emily scrunched her nose incessantly. Why are they casting such annoying people?? If the point is to distract viewers from how awful the show is, it's doing the opposite.
  

• Every date is a metaphor! Jumping out of a helicopter is like falling in love; overcoming your fear of helicopters is like overcoming your fear of being vulnerable in love; taking a chance on a helicopter ride is like taking a chance on love! WE GET IT.
  

• And then there's the awkward advertising tie-ins. When Ben said skiing in San Fran had always been on his "leap list" in Episode 3, my first thought was, "That's dumb," and my second thought was, "and isn't it called a 'bucket list?' Dummy." But no, I learned there is such a thing as a "leap list" during the following commercial break. Honda invented it. And then last night the former bachelorettes got all dressed up in skin-tight dresses to watch Titanic in an empty theater, fresh makeovers hidden behind hideous 3D glasses. A commercial for the 3D re-release and the upcoming Bachelorette season - two for one disguised as television programming!

And the show makes me hate myself most of all because I can't. Stop. Watching. Evil, evil genius.

Photo credit: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/photo-details/episode-3/911487/914981

Every woman's fantasy?

On last night's Bachelor, Shawntel gets to live out what viewers are made to believe is every woman's fantasy - the Pretty Woman shopping scene. Brad kicks off their one-on-one date by taking Sahwntel on a shopping spree at a high-end Las Vegas mall (no doubt funded by ABC).

When she gets back to the suite she's sharing with the rest of Brad's harem, Shawntel shows off her designer gifts and changes into an obscenely overpriced dress while the other girls' jealousy flares. Suddenly their self-professed dreams go from living out a fairy tale, achieving their very own "happily ever after" by snagging their very own "Prince Charming," to living out the Julia Roberts classic Pretty Woman.

Um... is everyone forgetting that Julia Roberts played a PROSTITUTE? Richard Gere's character is a wealthy businessman who picks her up in the obligatory pleather hooker boots and an equally horrendous mini skirt-half top combo and decides to PAY HER to extend her stay for a week and accompany him to fancy pants social obligations. He ends up taking her on a shopping spree after she tries to use his money to purchase appropriate clothing on her own and is snubbed by snobby saleswomen who (correctly) assume she is a PROSTITUTE.


Now, don't get me wrong - I love watching the Pretty Woman shopping scene, especially when Julia Roberts goes back to the store she was shamed out of, gigantic shopping bags in tow: "You work on commission right? Big mistake. Big. Huge... I have to go shopping now!"



If I were ever a prostitute, I would hope to be the spunky Vivian Ward type. But do I dream of living out Pretty Woman? Of exchanging sex for money and clothes? Of having to fight off the creepy advances of George Costanza? Um, no thanks. And I sincerely hope I'm not in the minority on that sentiment.

Photos courtesy of abc.go.com and Wikipedia.

Bridalplasty... too distrurbed to think of a clever title

E! (and I) have sunk to a new low: Bridalplasty. The new show, which I watched two (partial!) episodes of last weekend, hits the reality TV trifecta: extreme makeover, dream wedding and elimination voting.

Brides-to-be with lengthy plastic surgery wish lists (and body dysmorphic disorder) compete for the "perfect wedding," which apparently requires a new face and body. According to Eonline bios, contestants are hoping to win up to 15 surgical procedures, including some I never knew existed.

"Liposuction of flanks" is a popular one - according to this website, flanks are "located just under the bra line on the sides and back." I thought it was a kind of steak. Another body part that apparently needs the fat sucked out of it is the knee. Cheyanne here even specifies she would like "inner knee" lipo - I'm sure it was very painful for her, getting teased about her inner knees in grade school.


That's a picture of her before any surgery, by the way...

Has our cultural sanity plummeted that much in less than a year? Weren't we all horrified when Heidi Montag revealed she had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day? I guess E! was more inspired than disturbed... to define "perfection" as this:


Photo sources:
http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/bridalplasty/cast_bios.html
http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/03/09/heidi-montag-spoofs-plastic-surgery-in-funny-or-die-video/

High School Pad

It's official: The Bachelor Pad is high school for "adults." Amidst the cliques, gossip and backstabbing, last night contestants had to vote on labels for each other, senior yearbook style.

Poor Gwen was voted dumbest, although it's possible the woman doesn't even know how old she is. Elizabeth got most shallow, to which she responded that she doesn't "even know what shallow really means," and worst boob job, which is hilarious... unless you happen to be Elizabeth. And Natalie was predicted to always be a bridesmaid, never the bride - even by her secret boyfriend... ouch. (He also called her dumb, but she seemed to think that was funny.)

I still remember what I "won" senior year - Biggest Ego - complete with a cartoon of me admiring myself in the mirror. Although I had pranced around school in a crown and sash that said "Dancing Queen" on my 17th birthday, I was shocked and hurt that my classmates thought I was self centered... Good thing my high school days were numbered and then I never had to see them in the rear view of my compact again.

Unlike high schoolers, however, the Bachelor Pad residents at least pretended to feel bad about having to insult each other. And some of the boys really impressed me with their awareness of how insecurities can eat away at the female gender - especially the kind of females that go on the Bachelor... So shame on you, ABC, for stooping to a new low; but good for you, Kiptyn and Kovacs, for pleasantly surprising viewers, despite your questionable taste in women.

Photo courtesy of ABC website.

What came first: the reality show or the psychosis?

I have an embarrassing obsession with the Real Housewives shows. I have watched every episode of every season of every city. I. Love. This. Show. But I’m afraid something is starting to spoil it for me: bizarre paranoia (and two extremely annoying and crazy women named Danielle and Kelly).

Both crazy ladies have convinced themselves that their castmates are trying to kill them. Not that castmates hate them or have it out for them: They actually claim their lives are in danger. Danielle travels with bodyguards and ex-cons for “protection,” and Kelly talks gibberish about death threats, vampires and satchels of gold.



Obviously reality shows cast a certain type — a special type of crazy that will shock, awe and entertain the masses. But there’s a difference between fun-crazy or even irritating-crazy and should-be-institutionalized crazy. That kind of crazy — the straight-jacket kind — probably shouldn’t be exploited on television.

But when did it start? Were Kelly and Danielle always insane? Or did the stress of being on a reality television show crack the nuts?

Last PC comic standing

Just when I thought there were not enough hours in the day to squeeze another reality show into my life, I found Last Comic Standing, which I've never really gotten into, although it's apparently in its seventh season. I'm not going to complain here about the comedians, because I do think most of them (in the semi-finals) are funny. And really, I pretty much laugh at anything. But the main reason I watch reality shows is to be annoyed - so I'm going to complain about the judges.

This week a comic got criticized for an inappropriate joke about the homeless, but then another comic who made a joke about abused women was applauded for his "original" and "dark" set. I understand the importance of being politically correct, and I understand the humor in being politically incorrect - what bothers me is inconsistency. If one joke was actually funnier than the other I could be more understanding, but in my opinion they were both mediocre. Then again, maybe it's my fault for turning into a humorless feminist when a comic talks about his standup "bombing" at a women's shelter because "they wouldn't listen." (About 1:20 into clip below)

The other comic made fun of her "hip" office for including in an e-mail promoting a clothing drive that jeans shouldn't be torn or "outdated," picturing a homeless person turning up his nose at acid wash. If the homeless person had been a woman with a black eye, would that have made the joke more "cutting edge"?

Guard and protect my gag reflex

When Ali was named this season's Bachelorette, I thought she would be the most annoying part of the show. But boy, was I wrong. Last night Kasey took the show's vomit factor to a whole new level.

Did you know Kasey wants to "guard and protect" Ali's heart? I wasn't sure, until he said it about a HUNDRED TIMES last night. Oh, and he also wants someone, preferably Ali, to "guard and protect" his heart some day. Don't think he's sincere? Well, what if I told you he went and got a tattoo of a shielded heart on his wrist? Yes, that happened too... His heart is literally on his sleeve! And my regurgitated dinner is literally on my pajama pants.

This is the same guy who thinks he lives inside a musical, spontaneously bursting into a capella songs of his own creation, about which he comments after, "Yeah, that was pretty intense stuff." Ewwww... A boy in high school once played his guitar for me and then asked if I thought he was "too deep" for me. My television viewing choices aside, Kasey brings back unpleasant memories...

Anyway, this leads me to believe Kasey thinks his favorite line is pretty intense, incredibly deep stuff. And as a professional copyeditor, this makes me angry. Kasey, "guard" and "protect" are SYNONYMS. There is no need to use both words. Also, your silly catch phrase is not romantic. It's a cliche. And the more you say it the lamer it becomes.

Now, I'm all for keeping wackos on the show for entertainment value, but Kasey has crossed over to unbearable. I am curious to see Ali's reaction to his tattoo, which Frank (or a producer, or clever editing) prevented Kasey from revealing by butting in on their conversation. But once we all get to see her inevitable look of horror I strongly encourage Ali to cut Kasey quicker than a barber.

Class by the Countess

There is so much to learn from Countess-turned-Bravo housewife-turned-aspiring songstress LuAnn! First of all, it turns out money CAN'T buy you class. Now, I already knew that - anyone who watches her fair share of reality shows knows that it's not your bank account, but how often you call yourself classy and call other people unclassy that makes you, in fact, classy. But did you know there are other ways to exude classiness? According to the Countess' enlightening video, additional tactics include:

• Sing-talking R. Kelly style
• Man-candy
• Group naps
• Corsets
• Creepy Classy laughing
• Identity-disguising makeup
  

Double (D) Standard

According to Brandweek.com, ABC (and Fox) had a problem with a new Lane Bryant commercial that promotes their lingerie line. Apparently when attached to "plus-sized" women, rather than surgically enhanced broomsticks, ample cleavage is too racy for primetime.

What I find most ridiculous about the story is that ABC refused to air the spot during DANCING WITH THE STARS. If you're not familiar with the show, let me tell you, it is positively skanktastic. And this season Pamela Anderson is taking sex on the dancefloor to a whole new level. She looks like she wants to jump her partner AT ALL TIMES. And I think I saw her humping Kate Gosselin at the results show last night.

Although I did hear on some entertainment TV show yesterday that the show producers are making the effort to convince Pamela to wear underwear during live performances.



Ew.

But if ABC's weak attempt to cool off Pamela is tempting you to forgive the double standard they inflicted on Lane Bryant, allow me to share some photos from their "Sexy Dance Moments" gallery:



Seriously ABC, after you manage to whore out sweet little rejected bachelorette Melissa, you can no longer play the morality card. And I don't think there's a protecting-viewers-from-what-women-actually-look-like card.

Pretty Wild Indeed

I'm embarrassed to admit I actually stayed up rather late last night watching the premier of E!'s latest head scratcher of a reality show about people they tell us are famous. Pretty Wild is pretty much a knockoff of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, featuring less family members and more skin (and you didn't think that was possible!). The most entertaining/disturbing (one in the same these days, aren't they?) part of the show, in my opinion, is the mother, who reminds me of someone...



Right down to the thong poking out of her velour jumpsuit, she's a "real-life" version of Amy Poehler's Mean Girls character! But even better... she's an ex Playboy model turned "Secret" minister who home schools her lingerie modeling, pole dancing daughters. Publishers take note! I foresee a parenting book in this woman's future.

Probably not my kind of town

Some breaking news from the little office elevator TV I stare at to avoid stranger small talk: The city of Aspen has rolled out a new program to shed its unfriendly image. "Adopt a Tourist" matches visitors with locals who are willing to show them the town, and possibly their underpants.

Wonder if this is an attempt to undo the damage of VH1's "Secrets of Aspen"...



Regardless, I think it's safe to assume cast members won't be volunteering for the program... although it appears they're willing to whore themselves out for charity, "Adopt a Tourist" probably isn't quite glamorous enough.

Jake cuts girls quicker than barbers

I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to watch this season of the Bachelor when I heard it was going to be Jake. I found his "nice guys finish last" persona on the Bachelorette somewhat fake and completely nauseating. But of course it just isn't Monday night if I don't puke a little in my mouth.

So I gave Jake a chance, and I have to say I kind of like him! First he cut crazy Michelle in mid conversation when she wouldn't shut up about going home (Earth to Michelle, playing hard to get does not work when you're competing with 40 other fake boobies.) Then he called out full-of-crap Elizabeth from Nebraska about playing games (I'm a virgin, no I'm a whore, no I'm a virgin! Elizabeth, what you are definitely NOT is Britney Spears, and even she couldn't keep that ridiculousness going.) And then this week Jake decided not to give either of his two-on-one dates roses! And then he didn't even give out all of his roses at the rose ceremony! (Ashleigh, you seem like a cool chick - you can't really be that into Jake... he's much better suited for someone like Tenley, no?) What's going to happen next week?? I can't wait!!

I was thinking about the Bachelor, as I often do, and it occurred to me: Even though Jake might seem brutal, isn't he doing everyone a favor by not leading girls on and spending more time with people he actually sees a future with, rather than filling his hot tub with as many skanks as possible? So being kind of mean actually makes him the ultimate nice guy. And people say reality TV is shallow...

Side note on title: If you're a phening Jersey Shore addict like myself and are wondering if Ronnie does indeed "cut girls quicker than barbers do," I did some digging for us. It appears he and Sammi are still on the outs, according to this blog and these TMZ pics of him creepin on another girl. I still think they'll make some adorably tan babies one day though.

The Real Jailbirds of D.C.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Watching the White House crashers on the Today Show this morning gave me a little case of déjàvu. The defensive, social-climbing, inexplicably arrogant couple evoked the same variety of icks as Alex and Simon of the Real Housewives of New York City: Season 1 (they kinda won me over on Season 2, probably because Kelly soaked up the majority of my irrational hatred).

And what do you know! It turns out the crashers were up for Real Housewives of D.C. parts even before this latest humiliation. Although Bravo currently claims to be distancing itself, I’m sure they’ll get on the show, even if their confessionals have to be filmed behind bars.

Now if only they would outlaw banana slings – I'd argue European swimwear is also a threat to national security.

Photography note: If you clicked on that last link, feel free to blame/thank(?) Zip.

Double your fun, or halve it

Apparently I need not apologize for the frat-tastic double TV situation I was talked into... a similar set-up was actually stylish enough to gain a win for team Tori, Dan and Antonio on last night's Design Star!

If this turns out to be the beginning of a new trend in heterohabitation, I'd like to document that the first romantic night of Real Housewives alongside muted sports occurred in my living room:


Class, class, class.

(First photo courtesy of HGTV.com)

10 places to avoid in Chicago (if you weren’t already…)

Well, it’s official: On the lackluster “After the Final Rose” episode, our latest Bachelorette told Chris Harrison she will soon be invading my fair city. Luckily, in “10 things you don't know about Ed Swiderski of 'The Bachelorette,'” the Chicago Tribune has revealed some of her fiance's favorite places – so if you’re afraid, like I am, that you might be rendered deaf and/or blind by running into Jillian’s incessant squealing and/or Ed’s shorty-shorts, I suggest you avoid the following:

1. Sushi Samba
2. Blue Frog
3. Air and Water Show
4. Green Door
5. Innjoy
6. Cubs games
7. Lake Shore Drive
8. Michigan Avenue
9. Lincoln Park
10. River North
    

What Would David Do?

My name is Amy, and I’m a WE-Go-Bridal addict. Platinum Weddings, Bridezillas, Rich Bride Poor Bride — and especially My Fair Wedding — elicit that perfect mix of abhorrence and jealousy that every reality TV junky hates to love. And the Sunday afternoon marathons are an open bar of guilty pleasure.

In case you spend your Sundays productively and are unfamiliar with My Fair Wedding, I’ve found and embedded a montage for you to become acquainted:

According to wetv.com, each episode shows how “David Tutera (celebrity party planner) whisks into wedding chaos three weeks before a bride’s most important day of her life and quickly saves the day as he transforms the fate of the party from less than ordinary to beyond extraordinary.”

It wasn’t until I watched Jennifer’s episode yesterday (featured in the clip) that I realized how disturbing this show is, and perhaps that’s because Tutera himself says at the end that it was the biggest transformation he had ever achieved — not only of Jennifer’s wedding, but of her entire “persona.” While I usually laugh along with Tutera as he pokes fun at the brides’ plans to use balloons or fake flowers (in the way I used to laugh along with my older brother and sister when they made dirty jokes I didn’t understand), Jennifer’s cringe-inducing “etikwette” lesson crossed a line. Apparently in order to perfect the “most important day of her life,” Tutera had to change everything about Jennifer, from her hair and makeup to her smoking habits and table manners.

This kind of “transformation” takes wedding weight loss to a whole new level. I realize it’s become popular for brides to try to slim down, often in unhealthy ways, but as my sister asked the other day, why would you want to not look like yourself on your wedding day? And wouldn’t you just find the photos depressing after you gained the weight back?

And in the case of My Fair Wedding, these brides aren’t really achieving their own vision of perfection — they’re becoming David Tutera’s. Which brings me back to my epiphany: I’ve always been put off by traditional weddings because, even when the bride and groom aren't religious, ceremonies seem more like sermons than celebrations of love and commitment. It’s all about Jesus, not about the couple. But as consumerism gains ground on religion as our collective consciousness (at least on television), we’ve found a new superstar: David Tutera. Your wedding won’t be an affair to remember unless Tutera’s version of your dream is achieved — and charged to someone’s credit card.

Kelly's day in court, according to my imagination

Inspired by ZIP's post about NYC Real Housewife Kelly and last night's episode, which was AWESOME, I've envisioned what the scene may have looked like yesterday in court, as Kelly faced a judge Tuesday morning for allegedly assaulting her ex, according to today's RedEye.

Kelly: [Grinning maniacally, eyes wild] Judgey Judge!

Judge: You’re an hour and a half late, Ms. Bensimon.

Kelly: [Crestfallen] Okay, I was willing to be friends, but your attitude is unacceptable, and it won’t be tolerated. You need to grasp the reality of the situation, Judge. [Gesturing] I am up here, and you are down here.

Judge: [Confused] Ms. Bensimon, we are not friends. I am a judge, and I’m sentencing you to 10 months of community service.

Kelly: Oh really? Really Judge? And why is that? Enlighten me. I’d really like to know [Hiccups/snickers].

Judge: Domestic violence, Ms. Bensimon.

Kelly: You know what, this is kid stuff. Kid stuff. You know, I don’t think you’re cute. And I don’t think you’re charming. And I’m not going to play your childish games.

Judge: This is not kid stuff. These are real-world consequences. I hereby sentence you to 10 months of community service—and psychiatric counseling.

Kelly: [Beginning to walk toward the door] W-w-waaaait a second here… I didn’t agree to this. I don’t think you understand how busy I am. You know, while you’re wasting time judging, I’m busy doing stuff. I just can’t lend my name to any charities.

Judge: [Summoning bailiff] You won’t be lending your name. You’ll be picking up trash on the side of the road, in an orange jumpsuit.

Kelly: [Grinning maniacally at bailiff and judge, eyes going back and forth wildly] Ohhhh… What? [Incomprehensible grumble/giggle] Orange… orange is the new pink! Cute!

Bachelor Dirt

So I didn't end up watching The Bachelor's "After the Final Rose, Part 2" last night ... instead I drank too much wine on an empty stomach at a surprise party for someone I'd never met. Before I turned into a hot mess though, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of the runner-up-turned-winner. Apparently when she was in college, Molly told everyone she would be on the show and be the one to turn the Bachelor down ... in "reality" she not only didn't turn Jason down, but took him back after he rejected her. Well, I guess it must really be true love. Cough.

I was also told to watch this Jimmy Kimmel interview. It's pretty entertaining - Jimmy busts out all the questions social mores would prevent most of us from asking, and Jason continues to be full of crap.


From the RedEye recap I read on the bus this morning, it sounds like I didn't miss much last night. Molly and Jason are "happier than ever now," and Jillian is going to be the next Bachelorette. More Canadian adorableness! Yay!