Jake cuts girls quicker than barbers

I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to watch this season of the Bachelor when I heard it was going to be Jake. I found his "nice guys finish last" persona on the Bachelorette somewhat fake and completely nauseating. But of course it just isn't Monday night if I don't puke a little in my mouth.

So I gave Jake a chance, and I have to say I kind of like him! First he cut crazy Michelle in mid conversation when she wouldn't shut up about going home (Earth to Michelle, playing hard to get does not work when you're competing with 40 other fake boobies.) Then he called out full-of-crap Elizabeth from Nebraska about playing games (I'm a virgin, no I'm a whore, no I'm a virgin! Elizabeth, what you are definitely NOT is Britney Spears, and even she couldn't keep that ridiculousness going.) And then this week Jake decided not to give either of his two-on-one dates roses! And then he didn't even give out all of his roses at the rose ceremony! (Ashleigh, you seem like a cool chick - you can't really be that into Jake... he's much better suited for someone like Tenley, no?) What's going to happen next week?? I can't wait!!

I was thinking about the Bachelor, as I often do, and it occurred to me: Even though Jake might seem brutal, isn't he doing everyone a favor by not leading girls on and spending more time with people he actually sees a future with, rather than filling his hot tub with as many skanks as possible? So being kind of mean actually makes him the ultimate nice guy. And people say reality TV is shallow...

Side note on title: If you're a phening Jersey Shore addict like myself and are wondering if Ronnie does indeed "cut girls quicker than barbers do," I did some digging for us. It appears he and Sammi are still on the outs, according to this blog and these TMZ pics of him creepin on another girl. I still think they'll make some adorably tan babies one day though.

Resolving to relinquish my treadmill

When I walked into my packed gym at the rather early hour of 5:15 this evening, I was greeted by the smell of farts and resolutions... mmm... it must be January! It seems the wily resolvers have already learned to avoid peak hours. And I don’t think that’s even the most impressive part of their strategy, which appears to be twofold.

By suddenly plugging up their neighborhood exercise facilities, they're also softening up the regulars. So while resolvers are shedding pounds, gym members such as myself are waiting in lines when they’re normally switching cardio machines, fretting as their iPod batteries run out because they can’t get on any of the shmancy equipment with chargers, making peace with the fact that the Christmas cookie effect on their asses may in fact become a permanent reality. Wouldn’t surprise me if these resolvers are also buttering up their personal trainers with gifts of baked goods.

I knew this January was going to be bad when I went to the gym the Sunday after New Years and it was hard to find an open machine. During the Bears game! The man hogging my beloved recumbent bike was actually just sitting on it, watching TV. Maybe his resolution is to simply go to the gym, not actually use the equipment. Perhaps next year he’ll take the next step. Good for him.

So then on Monday when I had to stay late at work, I didn’t even bother going to the gym, assuming it would be too packed and exacerbate the effects of being caged in my cubicle past 5:00 sharp. Foiled by the resolvers again!

Well at this point I think I’ve just got to hand it to them – this ruthless New Year resolution strategy is pretty clever. So I look forward to waiting while you finish running, stretching or standing on your treadmills for the next three weeks, resolvers! And then I’ll see you again in 2011!

Note to Hewlett-Packard

This fantastic message popped up on my laptop screen after I plugged in a loaner mouse this morning (forgot mine at home and apparently lack the grace required to effectively use the hyper-sensitive touch pad). As I've mentioned before, I find polysyllabic, convoluted communications very impressive, so I was pretty taken with this one. I do see one area that could be improved, however. See suggested edit below: